hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
