the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
