I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
