The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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