i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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