Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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