1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
