I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
