The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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