I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
