pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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