I will die if light touches me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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