drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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