All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
