Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
