How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
my liver is dry heaving
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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