i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
