I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
