I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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