I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
