Fine. I'll sleep in my office
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
