It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
