it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
