Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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