Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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