well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
