He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
