Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
