he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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