never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
