I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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