A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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