just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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