Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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