my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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