I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
