I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
