I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
