We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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