my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
