You smell like a Billy Joel song
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
