that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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