I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
