You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
True strength comes from lack of pants
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
