For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
