I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
