I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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