oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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