thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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