talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
