Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
