I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
