So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
