How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
time to smoke my breakfast
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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