It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
