you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
