i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize