whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize