After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
