Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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